This glorious Thursday, I woke up with not such a heavy heart. I spoke to my mom and my two best friends the night before. I have never in my life heard my mom so happy. She went walking the day before and she has had knees surgery so this is huge for me. I worry because I don’t want me mom to be a shut in. She is newly retired and I want her to love her life as full as she possibly can. She also wakes up everyday grateful to see a new one. This is new but grand and for that I am ecstatic.
I have been working some long hours and I did not get talk to my friend about her baby shower. I felt horrible and being the wonderful friend she is, she put me in check. I have been basically too much into own head. What I need to do and how this will get done and blah blah blah. My thoughts are every which way and trying to focus sometimes can be a freaking chore. Hell I can focus on soon chores in my apartment than doing things that would benefit my life in better ways. My computer died and had to be sent I for repairs and of course this happens once I get most of the books I’m writing in some serious semblance of order.
After speaking to them all, I realized that you just have to let go and let God. That includes letting the universe letting it do its work for you. So many times I get caught up in my own bs that my energy is completely out of alignment. You never realize sometimes how chaotic you can be as person until you take a moment and just breathe.
I got through these spurts now more in my 30’s than I ever did in my 20’s. I am supposed to be married now, have at least one child, accomplish a book publishing , have my own lip balm line. I mean seriously. I know the saying that your dreams should be big enough to scare you but these goals though may seem small to some but they are huge to me. Every time I get one of my brilliant ideas , energy comes and then it goes. Goes far far far away. What was spectacular is now on some mystical back burner. Always saying in my head, you need to do this first before you do this. It’s mentally exhausting. But I try my best to to out of this small recessive sometimes depressive states. It is never a reflection on anyone but myself. I can’t blame the world around me for being afraid to do things. We all fear rejection but when you started your life so stellar: being smartest in your class and getting awards, that fall for grace can sometimes be a real muthafucka.
Again, it’s not a reflection on anyone but myself. I always try to tell myself you are good. You can achieve anything and that life is what I make it. I just need to stop making my life so hard sometimes.