Funny how the world views you and how you view yourself. What makes it even funnier is when feelings get hurt when you show exactly who you are. It took me a long time to finally get comfortable in the skin I was born in. I didn’t look like anyone else and was made fun of for it. I was very shy when I was younger. But once I reached high school, I realized the world is full of judgements. I judged people and to this day still do but all based on actions. If I can judge myself and fully recognize what I need to do to better myself, I honestly feel everyone should do the same.
I live for honesty. It hurts my soul when I have to sugar coat words so the pill goes down better. I have had arguments with people in my life where we didn’t speak for years. I recently thought I had a forged a new friendship but I realized the foundation was not the best. Forging friendships on broken situation is not the best but I pushed forward. We made a promise to be real with each other. I was myself. I said what I meant and I meant what I said. But I realized that even with me being honest, this person’s view of me were becoming unrealistic.
That’s is where the problem always lies. We can never help how people see us or view us until something causes the facade to break. I went through a depressive state and basically kept to myself. I began to realize that what I said didn’t change but my mentality was really ” you need to take care of yourself first.” My communication became sporadic and then it became the issue. “What’s wrong with you? became the constant question.
I explained it was nothing they did and it never was. It is really about taking care of oneself. I realized that I am more important than anything. That’s doesn’t change how I felt but because I’m listening to my gut, something had to give.
I then receive angry messages and how I can’t be trusted. That is fine. Don’t trust me.
After all, the view you have about me is your view. I know my view. I know in my heart I was honest. I know I am flawed but I own them.
Part of me is a extremely upset that I disappointed someone but at the same time, when haven’t we at some point disappointed someone.
I take this as a learning experience that you will never be able to change someone’s view of you especially when they are tired, upset, distraught or just not caring about the situation anymore. You will need to define you for you always.
In the illustrious words of RuPaul
“Whatever people think of me is none of my business”